My First Mother’s Day

I turn 47 in 3 days and less than 3 weeks ago I celebrated my very first Mother’s Day! I just thought that was somewhat noteworthy, and may be a fun fact that most of my readers don’t know about me. That being said, Mother’s Day has often been a painful day for me. This is mostly because I have never given birth. Good friends of mine have told me that not giving birth doesn’t mean that I’m not a “mother”. Some years I would get a sweet text from a friend who thanked me for mothering on her kiddos over the years. It was all sweet, and very kind, but it never made me feel like a mother.

For the past several years I have avoided going to church on Mother’s Day. Why, you ask? Well, my church often celebrates mothers by giving them flowers or some other such show of appreciation. I remember one year that they asked all “kids” to come up front and get a carnation then present it to their mothers. For most women that was probably a very sweet moment. For me, and probably a few others, it was quite painful to be left out of something that just drew more attention to what I was missing in my life. Then, of course, were the dozens of people who would wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. I started telling them I’m not a Mother, but that just made them feel bad or awkward, so I ended up saying nothing and just smiling. A friend in Bible study, who went through many more years of trying to conceive than we did, shared her pain with me-and told me how she avoided church (and most crowded places) on Mother’s Day-brilliant! So, I stopped attending church on that particular Sunday each year.

When someone brought up Mother’s Day last month, I realized that I am a “mother” this year. It actually drew me into tears just realizing this. I was finally excited to attend church on Mother’s Day. Even though I still have never given birth, and our little girl is far from being ours, for today, I am her mother. You would think this would bring me all sorts of joy and excitement to finally be able to celebrate this day with the other moms. You would think.

The Saturday before Mother’s Day my brother had us over to their house to celebrate our moms. We hadn’t all been together in over a year so I was excited and nervous leading up to that day. (Nervous because it was the first family gathering with our kiddo and she would be the only child there). I was pleasantly surprised at how well everything went-she fit right in with our family. Another surprise was a beautiful orchid and sappy Mother’s Day card that my brother gave me. It was something that I knew I would treasure for a long time.

The entire ride home I had to hold my orchid since we were in hubby’s truck, and with every bump I would try to protect it from trauma (they’re super sensitive plants). We got home and got the little one settled in to bed and I completely forgot to put the orchid in my office away from cats who always ruin any plants or flowers. Hubby and I were watching a movie and he fell asleep (as is typical) when I heard a loud crash! I knew instantly that it was my orchid plant smashed to pieces on the floor and I started balling my eyes out. This jolted my husband awake who jumped up in fear and said “What’s wrong? What happened?” fearing the worst had happened from my slight over-reaction. Through tears I told him that our “stupid cats” knocked over the plant…blah blah blah. Looking back on my behavior, I think my husband probably thought I was insane, and in that moment, maybe I was. He said we can get another one, reassuring me the whole time, and I just told him that I didn’t want another one, that it was from my brother which made it special. He eventually found something to put the plant in but the jury is still out on whether it will survive (half of the flowers were killed but the other half seem ok).

I couldn’t stop crying that night-even after hubby went to bed. It was very strange and it left me emotional leading into the following morning. Where I had previously been excited to attend church on Mother’s Day, I was tempted not to even go. I couldn’t find an outfit that looked good on me, so I ended up in tears once again (thanks COVID 40)! I finally composed myself, got dressed and we left for church-arriving to find that the power was out so we were having service outside. (All the while wishing I would’ve stayed home). I couldn’t tell you what the message was that day-something about Mothers, but I can tell you that hubby got pulled out of service to volunteer so I sat there alone most of the time and ended up sunburnt. HAHA. After service, they had a tent where men had put together beautiful arrangements of flowers for all of the moms. What I liked was that they didn’t make a big show out of it or anything. They simply announced that if you’re a mom you should stop by the tent to get your flowers and take a photo with your kiddos. So, I took a photo with our little (one day hopefully I will be able to post all of these fun photos) and we went out to lunch (where hubby got called into work so we had to take our food to go-but that’s a story for another blog). I was emotional (although not tearful) for much of the rest of the day, so it was pretty much a lazy, movie-watching kind of day.

A few days later I was able to reflect on my behaviors that weekend and I realized why I was so emotional. Our little girl is here now-she has been with us for 8 months now. In those 8 months I have put my all-sometimes even more than I thought that I ever could give into caring for her. She has a lot of special needs (medical, behavioral, educational) and on top of being a first-time mom, it’s all been virtual! Talk about a shock to the system. But although we went into this wanting to adopt her, and thinking we would be able to, we are now at risk of losing her. I won’t go into the details right now, but there is a chance that she may be placed somewhere that I fear her needs wouldn’t be met the way we are meeting them now. Just the move alone would be traumatic to her as she is stabilizing here and bonded with our close circle of people. I’m trying my best to stay positive, and I do trust that what is right for her will happen, but I also know how broken the system is. I’m sure that this was 100% why I had such an emotional weekend. I will say that the plant triggered me because it was such a meaningful gesture from my brother, but that beneath the surface I was wondering if I would still be a mother come next year. In fact, just typing out that sentence caused my eyes to well up in tears.

Although I don’t know the future (I mean, who does?) I do know that for however long this precious girl is in our care, I will do my best to love her, meet her needs, and show her what a healthy home & family looks like. I am far from a perfect mom. In fact, I feel like I fail at parenting on a daily basis (I’m told this is a common feeling among all parents), but I am doing the best that I can. Meanwhile, I continue to pray for her future and for her protection. There are so many people praying for this precious girl right now-I’m amazed by the support system we have through all of this. There are a lot of children out there still suffering in a home where people aren’t caring for them-my husband had a much harder childhood than most people I know but he was never removed from his home. Maybe that’s why his heart has changed so much through this experience (he went from never wanting to adopt to now saying we should add on to our house just to take in more kids). We have all changed and grown through this time, and I pray daily that I will become a better mother for this child and any more who are to come.

If you are interested in finding out how you can help a child by becoming foster parents, please reach to me. I would love to share more of our story with you and get you in contact with our agency.

Perfect Timing!

Wow, two posts within less than a week? I must have a lot of content built up in me…

It’s been a rough couple of days.

Who am I kidding? It’s been a rough 5 months (the first month doesn’t count as it was the honeymoon period haha)! I struggle most days to find something sweet or good or enjoyable about this parenting gig. I always used to think that as long as there’s more good stuff in the relationship (whatever relationship) it’s worth it. Parenting a child of trauma doesn’t follow the same rules. My need to control my surroundings is so futile at this point. I wish I would just remember that I cause the majority of my own stress by allowing her behaviors to affect me so deeply.

Last night and then leading into today, I pretty much felt like I was on the tipping point. You know, the point where you feel like you just can’t do it. You want to give up. You start doubting yourself-like way worse than normal days of doubt. You feel like a failure and you even speak on it. Last night I asked my husband if he thinks that maybe we weren’t cut out to be parents. He immediately answered, with complete confidence, “No!” The conversation after that was good. There was no resolution to it, as far as do I give up or not, but it was good.

Today, being part of the dreaded first week of school after Daylight Savings Time (if I didn’t dislike the climate so much I would move to Arizona in a heartbeat), was so rough from the minute I tried to wake her up. The struggles kept on throughout the morning and during school. Just one thing after another. This girl wants so badly to be an adult that she argues with pretty much everything I tell her. Last week, at my wits end with her arguing, I threw my hands up and said “How can I encourage you not to argue with me?” She thought about it for a minute and then, much to my surprise, she said “When I argue with you, you can just ignore me.”, HAHAHA- brilliant! I have tried it before and it doesn’t work to just stand there while she continues to argue-so I added in that I will ignore her and walk away. This seems to work about 30 seconds afterwards and it’s followed with “I’m sorry for arguing with you mommy.” But you know that true remorse means they will try not to do it again. My girl lacks the ability to be empathetic, so she doesn’t experience true remorse…at least not yet.

Well, today it didn’t really work. And it was getting to me. So I left not only her room but that entire side of the house and went to eat. When I sat down I felt defeated. Again, ready to give up. Not knowing what to do. I said a quick prayer-asking God to give me what I needed. Asking for help for my kiddo. Surrendering, in a way. Maybe 5 minutes after this prayer- probably not even that, she comes out and when I hear the door, I cringe. Then I hear this sweet little voice “Mommy, I’ve got good news and even gooder news.” My shoulders relaxed and I listened to her tell me how she solved the problem I had been trying to help her with and that she finished her work. If I’d had enough energy I would’ve started crying right then and there. Instead, I grabbed and hugged her and told her how proud of her I was.

You see, I couldn’t go on: not feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take one more negative thing right then and there. So God gave me a sweet little moment that completely turned my heart around. He gave me exactly what I needed. I kid you not, that little moment has carried me throughout this day. And it was in His perfect timing-not mine. So you see, whereas I may have thought that this parenting relationship needs to have more “good” than “bad” in order to make me believe that it’s worth it; that I’m doing the right thing, all I need is enough little moments like these to make the hard stuff feel very small. To see that this all is 100% worth it. No matter the end result or whether she gets to stay with us or not, we are giving her what she never had. And she is giving us something that could never be taken away…an experience that is changing us forever.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Where did the time go?

It’s been a year…I just can’t believe it! I mean, most days it feels like an eternity since the word Covid came into our world, but I still can’t believe that one year ago everything shut down and life changed as we knew it. Our world looks so much more different now…

For one, it’s hard to see who anyone is when out and about because of these darn masks. But the positive side to that is I can use it as an excuse when I run into someone and I forget their name. Don’t judge, you know you wish you thought of that!

Secondly, I sometimes forget how to drive due to the lack of places to go-which is such a bummer when you have a kiddo. But now that things are opening up a bit more, I have to say that I’m liking how they limit the number of people in some of these places. The first time I went to the doctor during Covid I was pleasantly surprised by no lines and no waiting to be seen. It was like a Christmas miracle in July! Hubby and I just went to Sea World on our anniversary and even though 1/2 the park is closed, we thoroughly enjoyed the lack of lines and crowds. Some people are complaining about Disneyland’s reopening model for never really being at 100% capacity, but I am so excited for it to open. There’s less than a handful of times that I’ve been to that park where it wasn’t so packed that it was hard to walk. I can’t wait to bring our little one there to experience it for her first time. Sure, it will be different, but how exciting that we won’t have to fight huge crowds.

Many of us have experienced fear and anxiety during this past year-some of us even depression. We, like many others, have experienced loss due to this pandemic. I’m still trying to navigate how to keep my head above water during this time, but I am taking steps to better my own mental health and stabilize during this time of our lives. Self care is so important especially now when kids are home all of the time for most of us.

Although a lot has happened in this past year, I guess I just didn’t feel led to blog about any of it. Things have been very difficult and who wants to share their story when times are hard! I sure didn’t. Less than a month after I had opened my new photography studio in Redlands, and less than a month before I had the grand opening scheduled, I had to close up shop. The landlord allowed me to keep my studio there while I couldn’t use it but after a few months she needed to have a full-paying client in there and I still didn’t feel right photographing babies (which was my main reason for a studio). So, all of my wonderful props, lights, and studio furniture have been in storage since last summer. At first I was sad about this, and even though I still don’t know what the future of my photography business will be, I actually believe that everything happens for a reason. You know the saying hindsight is 20/20? Well, even only being in the studio space actively for a month, I found so many things that were not ideal about the space. And even though at this point I really don’t think I will be re-opening a physical studio space, you just never know what God is going to do. I’m currently still not photographing newborns even though plenty of photographers in the industry are. In fact, I am limiting myself to outdoor only sessions every other weekend. My life has been completely turned upside down with being responsible for someone else 24/7 so my time is limited, and until the NICU allows me to return to volunteering with the babies, I just don’t feel that it would be right to put anyone’s newborn at risk for photos.

This week I made the choice to start blogging again, but just like pretty much everything else in our lives, it’s going to look a lot different now. My focus of my blogs was more related to photography, and although I still will occasionally include photography-related information in my blogs, I feel like my life is so much more complex now-it involves a new change that has affected my entire life. Well, not just mine, but my husband’s and anyone who is close to us. You may have noticed something different about this post already…the mention of a child. Those reading this blog who don’t know me, may not know that I have never given birth to or parented a child before-not in any official capacity (although I was a nanny for years). And yes, I’m a couple months away from turning 47 (did I just type that out for the world to read?), but I have been a first time mom for 6 months now of an 8-year old girl. In December of 2019, my husband and I decided to start the process to adopt a child (or a sibling set of 2). There’s so much to how this all happened and I really do think that I will want to write a book about this experience someday, but for now I figured I can blog about these experiences. I think at the very least, it will help me just to process things from a different perspective.

When we started this process we had no desire to become foster parents-the thought of losing a child in our care was not something we felt we could handle. But the way things are now in the system, it is much more likely to be able to adopt a child if you take them in as a foster first. Obviously there is a lot of risk in this. There are no guarantees. However, we did tell our agency that we did not want children placed with us that looked like they had a strong chance of reunification with their family. That being said, we met “E” before we were even finished with our certification process and we all knew she was meant to be with us. It’s been a very hard journey and we are barely only 6 months in. Although things completely changed with her situation within weeks of her placement here, and we still have months (if not longer) until we will find out if we even have a chance of adopting her, I have faith that what’s meant to be will happen and that no matter what that is, God will provide what’s needed for us to navigate it all.

So, that’s a bit about what I intend to do with this blog site moving forward. I have so many stories already just from this past year, so many tears, so much laughter and joy. I can’t even imagine what is to come. I plan to share many of those stories here with you. And because she is not adopted and still a part of the foster system, there are rules we must follow. The biggest of these that affects me and something I love doing, is not being able to share photos of this little cutie pie anywhere online. I am able to share photos that do not show her face, as they won’t identify her, but I refuse to slap an emoji over her face just to share it online. What’s the point? I have been creative in taking some beautiful images of her that don’t show her face, but for the most part, when I’m blogging about our journey with her, photos will be minimal if at all. Sure, this is something very difficult for a photographer-but rest assured, we have hundreds of photos already documenting her journey with us so far. I print these out and I’m currently making a scrapbook of her journey with us. This will either be called her adoption story, or a memory book for her to take with her wherever the judge sees fit for her to live. No matter how hard this is: the not knowing whether we will lose her or not; I am committed to providing this little girl with the best care and a loving home for as long as she is with us.

Thank you for coming back here to see what I have to say over a year after my last blog. And if you are interested in following us on our journey wherever it takes us, stay tuned. I can’t promise to blog every week but I do promise to be more regular at it than I ever was before. I have a lot of time where I need to stay within earshot of her while she does virtual school, but there’s not a whole lot I can do during that time besides write or edit. So I will see you soon, I’m fairly certain of that!

The best part of a storm, is the rainbow!

I met Hannah and her gorgeous tribe last fall at a local birth expo and I immediately knew that I wanted to to get them in front of my camera! Hannah and her husband Josh were expecting their 3rd baby girl at the end of the year, and she was absolutely glowing! She entered my contest and expressed her interest in a maternity session wearing a rainbow gown that I planned on adding to my wardrobe. Hannah’s name was not drawn as a winner, but just my luck that the mom who’s name was drawn didn’t use her free session, so I contacted Hannah to see if she would like to model my new maternity gowns at the beach and she was thrilled to do so!

The day of our session brought very strong winds, which isn’t an ideal situation for photos (especially for ladies with long hair) but we all decided to make our way to Laguna Beach and do our best to create a beautiful session. It was an absolutely gorgeous day and the wind did pose a few problems, but with the gowns I brought for the session, it actually worked in our favor (most of the time). As long as I positioned Hannah the right way, the wind blew her hair and the gorgeous chiffon tails of the gowns beautifully! We started at the park above the beach and I even brought mini-gowns for her two girls Makena (10) & Capri (8) and they loved them! They also loved being a part of the session and tossing the gowns for me. Towards sunset we headed down to the beach and the girls both got to toss an end of a mermaid style gown which they had so much fun doing! I remember as the sun went down and they all stepped into the ocean water to finish off the session, and I just didn’t want this session to end. Hannah had texted me after the session thanking me for something so magical and I looked forward to showing her the beautiful images.

Getting to see Hannah’s reaction to her images was so much fun! I spent hours in their gorgeous home as she tried to narrow down her choices. While I was there, I noticed the artwork on their walls and just how unique and beautifully decorated the home was. It was then that they began to tell me their family story and about their life together. Hannah has graciously allowed me to share that story with all of you.

Josh and Hannah met and fell in love in 2006. Josh was in the Marines and just as soon as he had proposed, he was deployed to Iraq. Once he returned home they eloped in a simple yet beautiful cottage. Baby girl #1 arrived that next year and after a year of fun with her, they decided to grow their family again. Being parents brought them so much joy but when the girls were only 2 years and 3 months old, Josh was deployed to Afghanistan for 9 months. After a trip back home for much-needed family time, Josh was once again deployed and was in a parachute accident that unfortunately ended his career with the Marine Corps Special Forces. He had suffered an open femur fracture and tore many ligaments and tissues in his arm. There was nerve damage and worse yet he had to learn how to walk all over again. They spent over a year in physical therapy while Hannah nursed him back to health in a hospital bed in their living room. Hannah says that it was a defining moment for them in their relationship and family. They persevered even though there were many nights of tears and pain as Hannah was caretaker for her husband but also a full-time mom. She was so thankful he had survived the parachute accident but it was so difficult for her to see him in so much pain and completely dependent on her to do anything. Their motto during these times was ‘always and forever, no matter what’ which was written on a plaque in their living room so that Josh could see it every day and recover to be the same daddy and husband he was before the accident.

After many years, Josh made a full recovery and retired from the Marine Corps which is when they decided to move home to Hawaii and enjoy a beautiful life together. They had thought about having a third child, and this had seemed like the perfect time to do so. Surprisingly, they got pregnant right away. Hannah was elated to share the news with Josh and the entire family. Their youngest was 4 years old, so being pregnant seemed like something new for her. She rushed out and interviewed midwives and Doulas to assist her in the exciting journey that they were all about to embark on. They even made a video telling their two girls the big news! Little did Hannah know that she would look back at that video with tears in her eyes and an empty belly. She miscarried a few weeks before Christmas.

Trigger warning that the next paragraph is quoted directly from this beautiful mama, as she tells her story more beautifully than I ever could. The details are delicate and powerful;  “My baby died inside of me. I. Was. Devastated…I was a healthy young mom at the age of 31 and I had a miscarriage. I knew nothing of miscarriages. All I knew were the stories I heard from friends of mine when they went through it. I said all the wrong things that you don’t want to hear when you’re experiencing a miscarriage. ‘It wasn’t meant to be’, ‘its ok, you can try again’….and now that I was the one going through it I couldn’t bare to hear those comments from anyone. I cried uncontrollably on the ground, while waiting for my baby to detach from my body and fall out of me. I wanted to do it all naturally in the privacy of my home instead of a DNC in the hospital. I waited 3 weeks until finally the moment came. I bled for hours. I bled so much I thought I was dying. I cried as I tightly tried to hold the baby inside of me. The feeling that I didn’t want to let it go. My husband stayed by my side the whole time. After a very long and traumatic night, out it came with the chord still attached. It was all so visible. I looked once and walked away. When our older girls woke up the next morning I had to explain to them that our baby got very sick and died. If that wasn’t bad enough, I had to wake up the next day and share it with friends and family..It was a terrible time in my life. My mind went to darkness and depression. I felt jaded. I felt like we would never know happiness again. I felt like my body was somehow broken. I felt empty. but mostly I mourned THAT baby. That exact baby that I would never know… That exact baby that would never know life, our life. It turns out, 1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. This was my 1 in 3. But even after research on the topic and trying to heal from my experience, I still felt terrified to try again. Just the topic of conversation on trying for another baby again was rarely spoken and off limits.”

Hannah continued on to share her emotional journey; “Josh and I got back up and began enjoying life with our girls again. Family was everything. The joy and happiness of raising my older girls kept me busy and in love with our life. They were growing up beautifully. 4 years went by and we were finally ready to have that talk again. So we did. Our girls were 7 & 9. We began trying again! This time I was 34 and considered an ‘older mom’ at the OB/GYN office. It took us over 8 months to become pregnant again and this was after a lot of tests and hormonal injections. Finally, I took the test and it was positive! We were officially pregnant! We shared it with the girls that weekend. They both cried tears of happiness. Because our last miscarriage left us so hurt, I went to every doctor’s appointment thinking I would get news that something was wrong.”

Unfortunately, tragedy struck back in California with the death of a close family friend. The decision to move their family (with Hannah expecting baby #3) to their friend’s estate in California to care for the property she had left behind was a big one, but this family steps up to help others in need and that is what they thrive on. They will remain here as long as the help is needed in order to honor their friend’s life.  Hannah continued to share her story of hope, even in the midst of grief; “9 months went by and our baby was happy and healthy in there! I gave birth to another sweet girl on November 10, 2018. We named her Prism. She represented to us all the unforeseen light in our family that she turned into color; beaming color all around us. It is said that when you have a baby after a miscarriage, it is called a rainbow baby. The rainbow after the storm basically. Prism is indeed our rainbow baby. I wanted to contact a photographer that would capture all her light. As soon as I saw Cristy’s photos and her gorgeous gowns (the rainbow gown-total swoon!) she uses I knew I had to get our photos done by her! She did an incredible job at capturing our new and completed tribe of goddesses. Thank you Cristy!” This family’s beautiful story touched my heart-and I knew that I needed to photograph their new rainbow baby in this beautiful home! So, of course, I did just that.

In-home newborn sessions aren’t as time-sensitive as posed in-studio sessions, as it’s in the family’s natural environment so she was over a month old for this session. Beautiful Prism was dearly loved by her family, and I could tell by their interactions. Her older sisters loved posing with her and the family was just perfectly complete with this precious little one. The property was amazing but as we lost light quickly, I had to return to take a few more photos of mom holding Prism on a tree swing out back which was her precious friend’s favorite spot to be-I thought those images were a lovely tribute to the memory of their friend.

I so enjoyed the time that I spent with this family and I’m thrilled that their memories of these, in the words of Hannah; “Magical” sessions will live forever in their albums and on their walls. I don’t look at clients as people that I do a job for then send them on their way. I spend time getting to know them, building relationships with them and getting to know their stories so that I can help portray that through their session. Hannah told me that she would love to have another baby just to do another session again. Who knows what the future will bring for this family, but they sure do plan on plenty of adventures to come. They bought a 1989 Airstream that they are currently renovating in order to eventually travel the US to meet others in need. Not only do they help care for people they know, Josh reaches out to help veterans on their journey. Hannah says that by “saying yes to new experiences, and taking care of the people around us in our communities we can all live a life of love, happiness, contentment and connection. The ultimate life of love. Cheers to having a tribe of goddesses and love no matter what”.

Best wishes on your journey through life, love & Ohana.

Here’s to all of the strong mamas out there who have loved and lost.

New Website-New Blog Site!

Hey friends-thanks for following me-but my blog has moved to my new website and you can follow it here:

https://www.cristygphoto.com/blog

I’m not a Quitter!

Alright, it’s time to get real, people.

Running a business is hard! Really hard!

If you’ve ever quit your day job, given up a regular pay check, and ventured out to start a business, you get a big high five from me right now! Because you’re braver than most. And although I didn’t exactly call myself brave when I decided to start my own business, I can look back and see it now. I was scared. I remember calculating the numbers and seeing if we could financially survive on just my husband’s income. I did my research-I didn’t just go into this blind. I don’t recall if I prayed about the decision to quit my job. That’s something that has completely changed in this past 2 years or so. Every decision that I make, I take it to the Lord. Sometimes I hear an answer, and sometimes it’s unclear and I move forward in faith. But gone are the days of just making a decision without much thought or prayer and just asking God to bless me in the decision that I already made. We make things harder on ourselves when we try to do it our way.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve had a camera in my hand. It was always my dream to have my own studio and dark room (gone are the days of dark rooms now). But once I got into the working world and realized that I needed to support myself financially, I put that dream (mostly) out of my mind. In 2012 when I did some calculations and determined that we could survive on my husband’s income, I decided to leave my day job. It wasn’t initially to start a photography business; in fact, it took me several years to actually make that decision. I first decided to finish my college degree (Bachelor Degree in Interdisciplinary Studies completed in December, 2013) and then I said what in the world should I do now?

After some thought I came up with two ides:

1. Start a photography business
2. Start an event planning business.

Not sure where I came up with that second one-probably because most of my previous jobs included event planning in some form-but it seemed like something I could do at the time. So, I decided to go after my first passion: photography! It was a slow start and  I remember one of my first newborn sessions I did with my friend’s daughter…it was seriously such a joke! We used a pair of her hubby’s black sweats to wrap around her to create the illusion that she had floating feet with their rings on her toes. We all have to start somewhere, right? Actually that makes me think back to when I babysat my young cousins when I was in High School, and set up a backdrop for photos in their home. I’m telling you, I’ve had a camera in my hand as long as I can remember.

That unorganized newborn session got some creative juices flowing, and I offered to do a few family sessions for a couple of friends to see if they liked my photos. They did, of course (or I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now). I started charging for sessions at that point; if you can call it that. I think I was charging $50 for the session and all digital images which is absolutely not any way to make any sort of profit. Essentially, if I had run the numbers on how much time I put into a session,  I was paying my clients to take photos of them. I raised my prices within that next year-but not by much. Then I realized that I never saw any of these beautiful photos anywhere in print-they would only get lost in a sea of social media posts. After taking business courses and lots of research, I decided to change my business model to IPS (In Person Sales) and focused on giving the client what they want (digitals) when they purchase what they need (prints, albums, or products).

I’ve struggled so much over the past 3 years-just to find people who value what I offer them and are willing to pay prices that are the bare minimum to support a business. I joined a very expensive networking group (that didn’t result in anything), I advertised in a local magazine, and tried several other attempts to get the word out about my business. When none of these attempts were fruitful, I felt like a total failure and stopped trying. I was tired of putting money and effort into things that didn’t work. Meanwhile, I had heard of so many other photographers who were making $2,000 or more per client session! What in the world was I doing wrong?

Well, first of all, comparing myself to other photographers isn’t a productive use of my time. Comparison is the thief of joy-for sure! Secondly-what was I actually doing to present myself to potential ideal clients? Absolutely nothing! One would think that nice photos is the reason why people book a photographer. It’s actually not the most important reason for people to book a photographer. They most likely have already seen my work (either from a friend, on social media or on my website) so they know that they like my work-but what prevents them from booking me? Typically it’s lack of information.

2019 is the year that I have dedicated my efforts to finding the solution in order to provide all of your photographic needs! This year, I hit the ground running on making major changes in my business that I’m excited and slightly frightened about. Change is hard but it usually results in growth which is always a good thing. So, as I continue evolving my business, I look forward to sharing these new changes with all of you. I am hoping to be able to convey the amazing service and experience that each of my clients receive through my new website and social media that will be launching within the next month. I’m also going to be offering different services and fresh, new products that will enhance your overall experience. My pricing will be changing in order to better meet your needs and I will be offering new specialty sessions (hint that a very special petite session is coming up next month).

I’d love your input or suggestions on what you would like to see from me in the future. What questions do you need answered in order to choose a photographer? What things are most important to you in your photographic experience? What’s your favorite print product that you would want to see on your walls or in your home? Or anything else you’d love to share with me. If I use your input or idea in my new business model, you will be entered into a contest to win a complimentary Petite Specialty Session. Send me a message: cristygutierrez77@hotmail.com or private message me via social media with any feedback you have.

 

My Top Recommendations For New Moms

Huge disclaimer here: I am not a mom (unless cat mom counts)!

That being said, I have been an “Auntie” in one way or another for over 25 years. What does that mean? Well, I have just as much experience wiping bums, feeding and rocking babies, and even being woken up in the middle of the night to care for a baby as a mom would. Since I was in High School I have been hired to take care of children and babies of all ages (including, but not limited to caring for newborns while mom heals, babysitting, working in the NICU, and working for a Nanny agency). This still doesn’t make me an authority on all things baby-but being in the photo industry and focusing on babies and pregnant moms, I’ve come to learn of some amazing resources and fantastic services that I feel I need to pass on to you moms. These are just a few of these special local businesses that I have had the pleasure to work with.

If you are pregnant (whether for the first time or not) you will want to make sure that you receive reliable care during pregnancy, birth, and beyond. I’ve met some wonderful people who can help offer this. If you are interested in discovering your baby’s gender or even confirming your pregnancy, Redlands Unique Ultrasound is the perfect place to do so. They offer competitive pricing and unique packages including 3d/4d Gender Reveals, Heartbeat Animal Sessions, and even special packages for Teachers, Military, and Service Personnel. They also offer educational classes, special events, and services such as gender reveal parties and in-home ultrasounds. I’ve worked closely with the wonderful staff here and highly recommend them for your Ultrasound needs. I hope to see you on May 5th at their Annual Family & Birth Expo!

If you are like most expectant women I have met recently, you are looking for an alternative to hospital birth. More and more women are wanting to have more say in how and where they give birth. I had the privileged of photographing a beautiful birth in one of the birthing suites at The Natural Birth Place last year. This was such a beautiful and peaceful environment for mom, dad, and baby. Each room has plenty of space, their own bathroom facilities, a bed, and even a bath tub if a water birth is desired. Maria King is a certified nurse midwife and lactation consultant who provides more than just a safe delivery experience, but also hands-on education before, during and after your birth. I’ve attended educational classes as well as professional panels where parents are able to experience hands-on education in a friendly environment. Contact them to set up a tour of their beautiful facility if a peaceful and private birth experience is what you are looking for.

I was recently talking to someone who was surprised that cloth diapers are back in use in many homes these days. She thought that this was something that generations past did away with when disposable diapers were  invented. I know many moms who are using cloth diapers now because they’re not only environmentally friendly and cost effective but they also are better for babies.  Have you read the list of ingredients in disposable diapers? I’ve known the co-owners of Squeaky Cheeky Diaper Services since one of them was in kindergarten! Their hearts are beautiful and their desire is to ease the burden on new moms by providing an amazingly effective diaper cleaning service. So, if you’re a mom who is considering cloth diapers (or you’re already using them and need a reliable cleaning service) give them a call for an in-home demo and tell them Cristy sent you!

Lastly, if you haven’t been to Kissui Baby & Children’s store in Redlands, you’re missing out. They offer some of the cutest baby and children’s clothing out there! But this store is not only for clothing; they also offer toys, cloth diapers, carriers, baby care items, a gift registry and much more. I’ve witnessed their wonderful employees giving hands-on demonstrations to customers interested in baby-wearing and other  items. Stop by and see what they have in this cute little store on Citrus Avenue in Redlands.

Well, it wasn’t a comprehensive list of every wonderful local business in the area, but I hope that this blog has been helpful to those of you who are looking for local services for your new mom needs. Have a wonderfully blessed day!

Why do I do what I hate?

Do you ever do something you hate, but you do it anyway just because you know that it’s what you should do? I absolutely hate running! I’ve always been a bigger girl (albeit much smaller as of late) and to say it politely, everything jiggles and bounces up and down when running or jumping so I try to avoid it as much as possible. There are other reasons I don’t like running such as my bad knees (I have to wear knee supports every time I exercise), it kills my joints and my feet, and that whole gasping for air thing just lacks appeal. The other day I went for a walk and realized that I was running out of time (pun intended) and needed to get back home quicker than I had planned. So, I did what I hated and ran…then I walked…then I ran again…and so it went until I got to my car. And guess what? I felt pretty darn good when I was done. So much so, that when I decided to forego the gym this morning, I went for another walk/run.

I have been dreading writing this blog post. I just don’t want to talk about such a personal and vulnerable thing in such a public arena. Yet, here I am, up in Big Bear, praying for snow tomorrow, sitting across the room from another photographer and a florist, typing this out in hopes that the courage will come to actually hit that publish button. I feel like most of my life I have been doing what I don’t want to do-but it didn’t always turn out like my walk/run adventure. It usually ended up very badly. Ever since I can remember (my mom confirms that she noticed a problem starting at age 4) I have been a heavy girl. OK, heavy is an understatement. I have been considered obese the majority of my life. In fact, I recently found out that there are several classes of obesity and I was up at the top of those charts at my top weight of 375 (that I knew of) and a BMI of 57! I was morbidly (hate that word) obese most of my adult life. I’m actually still considered obese class 1 even though I’ve lost an entire person from my body, but I digress.

Many people who are new in my life don’t recognize me when they see photos of me from 5 years ago. In fact, my Driver’s License photo is still very outdated and I often get double takes when someone needs to see my ID. But those friends that I’ve known for years and my family members definitely noticed a huge difference in me over the past 3 years. I had been on a diet of some sort for most of my life and would often lose some weight (sometimes as much as 50 lbs) and then I would always gain it back (and then some) which led to me feeling like a failure for most of my life.  Just over 6 years ago; when I topped out at my heaviest weight, I looked like a ghost in pictures at our family holiday gathering and I had a hard time just being on my feet long enough to host the party. My mom had later told me that she had been very concerned about my health (as I’m sure others were as well). I started watching The Biggest Loser TV show that next January and something inspired me to try and take charge of my health. I bought a used treadmill from a friend for $50 and started walking on it 5 minutes a day. That may not sound like much to you (or even to me now) but it was all I could do. I slowly worked my way up to 10 minutes, then 15, then I’m sure I got to 30 minutes. I set a goal to lose 50 lbs by June for a wedding we were going to in Hawaii. I missed that goal by 10 lbs, but it was good enough for me.

Shortly after returning home from Hawaii, I ended up in the ER because I couldn’t breathe. They never really found out what caused it, but that gave me a scare and also made me think I shouldn’t exercise as much. So, my weight pretty much stayed the same. A year later, the same thing happened and this time the Dr actually misdiagnosed me with heart failure and I was the most depressed I’d ever been. After another year of trying to control my weight and failing miserably, I was at the point of wanting to give up. My diabetes was completely out of control and I was a complete mess. My Dr had given me an ultimatum in 2015 that if I couldn’t get my blood sugars under control within 5 months, that we would need to do something drastic. To me, I had assumed that she meant some sort of weight loss surgery. So the next time I had an appointment with her I was already prepared for the bad news-sure enough, my blood sugars were a disaster. I asked her to refer me to the bariatric program and that is when my real journey towards a healthy me began.

With Kaiser, the bariatric program takes quite a bit of time as it’s an entire process you need to go through. I had to take classes that discussed the options (anything from a liquid diet to multiple different types of surgery). Once you decide which route you want to go, they refer you to that program. I met with a supervising Dr in the program who recommended me for surgery.  After tests, blood work, a psychological evaluation, and 3 months of classes; I met with my surgeon who approved me for Gastric Bypass surgery. I was terrified but also excited to start my new life. The anticipation of having to wait 3 more months to actually have surgery almost killed me-but it was definitely the right thing for me. When I graduated the classes in January of 2016, I weighed 339 lbs. I had lost a decent amount of weight during the program but lost even more before surgery-weighing in at 326 on surgery day in May, 2016. I was proud to have accomplished that much loss on my own without surgery (49 lbs) but I knew that I had done it before and needed something drastic to happen in order to get me to a healthy body weight.

When I decided to have surgery, I had only told select people that I trusted because I didn’t want to hear negative feedback. You wouldn’t believe how many people know someone who had surgery and then gained all of the weight back! I also didn’t want judgement. For years I fought against having surgery because I thought it was the easy way out. Giiiiirl was I wrong! The months following gastric bypass were the exact opposite of easy! I was in constant, severe pain for exactly one month. For the first 2 weeks I was on a liquid diet but I had to drink 2 protein shakes and 60 ounces of water daily-but get this-I could only drink 1 ounce every 15 minutes. So, you do the math. My life was completely turned upside down! The next 2 weeks I could eat pureed food. Yep-it tasted just as good as it sounds. Actually, I was super excited to be able to actually eat something. The next 2 weeks I could eat soft foods (my first scrambled egg was like Christmas morning). Then I was able to slowly start eating regular foods but still had to keep under 600 calories daily. I was in a constant state of hunger, but you bet I stuck to my strict diet. In fact, I felt like the diet they had me on was a bit too lenient so I cut out whole wheat breads, crackers, etc.  I was typically an A student (ok except for freshman year in High School) and I didn’t just put my body through so much just to go out and eat french fries and cake!

That October brought a very scary trip to the ER which was the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life. It turned out to be my gallbladder; which they didn’t tell me can be affected by rapid weight loss. Emergency surgery to remove it solved my pain but took me out of commission for another month (which was frustrating not to be able to exercise-but I survived).  By December of 2016 I had lost over 100 lbs since surgery (the majority of that weight came off the first 3 months) and I was feeling pretty good but also discouraged that I had stopped losing weight. But something else started happening in my brain. I was starting to obsess over things. I remember telling my friend not to send home pecan pie with my husband from Christmas because it would just sit there and tempt me. Well, he promised me he would eat that Costco-sized pie, and of course it sat there-calling my name. I tried one bite. Man, it tasted good. And shocker-I didn’t get sick. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that part. This surgery reroutes your intestines which means that you no longer absorb everything the same (which is why I take a handful of supplements daily and also why I can’t drink anything while eating or 30 minutes afterwards for the rest of my life ) and if you eat sugar it can make you sick.  I had never wanted to test the limits with sugar because if it made me sick, of course I would hate that, but if it didn’t make me sick then it would give me permission to eat more. After that first bite of pecan pie, it was impossible to resist eating more. The next day I took 2 bites and that didn’t make me sick. Two days later I ate 4 bites and although it didn’t make me sick, my stomach wasn’t happy so I threw out that dang pie!

After our vacation in early 2017, I realized that my obsession wasn’t just about food. I was also obsessing about my Fitbit (how many calories I burned, steps I took, etc). I would go to the gym in the morning then jump on the trampoline while watching TV at night if my steps were low that day. Some people said that was good-just healthy competition; but I knew that something was wrong. I had been a part of a compulsive eating group right before surgery and met with that therapist for a while but they treated behaviors. I couldn’t control any behaviors in my life for longer than a few months, so that wasn’t going to work for me. I remember telling my therapist that I had chewed up and then spit out a tortilla chip and my jaw dropped when he told me that was bulimic behavior. I couldn’t be bulimic; I weighed over 200 lbs. But it doesn’t have to do with your weight-it has to do with your mind. Thankfully, I met someone who introduced me to a 12-step program that I have since recovered through and that helps me live my everyday life in the best way that I can. I no longer binge on food or exercise, but I live a fairly balanced life. And when I feel like it gets out of balance, I use tools and go to God for the help that I need. I feel free now and I actually have begun to love myself (extra saggy skin and all).

So, that was all a mouthful, and I appreciate you reading this far, but you may be asking why did I decide to share this with the world-to out myself in this way? Well, there are several reasons. For one, as a person and even as a photographer, I am pretty transparent. My feelings aren’t easily hidden and I like for people to know who I am on a deep level-even my clients or potential clients. I feel like this has been somewhat of a secret for the past nearly 3 years and I don’t like secrets. Also, in case my story would help anyone else who may be suffering from similar things; I had to share it. I have learned along this journey that several friends were considering surgery so I gave them my honest feedback and would have loved it if someone else had done the same for me. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. Would I change anything about it? Sure-I would’ve educated myself more on why you stop losing weight within a year or so after surgery. But I am so very thankful for every part of this process. When I went off all of my medication and my blood sugars were that of a normal person, I cried.

So when you notice that I don’t eat most foods that others eat, now you know why. I switched from low-carb to keto last year to encourage more weight loss and it makes me feel amazing (carbs don’t sit right with my body). But I do keto as a lifestyle. Sure, I’d love to lose another 30 lbs but I look at where I’ve come from and I thank God that I can take spin class 3 times a week, and even run a little bit when I want. So where I had been doing what I hated all of my life (eating that dozen cookies when I wanted the scale to go down) now I’m loving what I’m doing on a daily basis even if I hate it sometimes.

“For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” -Romans 7:19-20

A New Year, A New Me?

I’m sure we’ve all heard this phrase a million times (or at least a hundred).  Who doesn’t love a fresh start to things-a chance to do things over and make things new?  So many people take the opportunity on New Year’s Eve to look back on all the junk in their year; all of the things they did wrong, didn’t do, or what went wrong- and then they make a wish, or say a prayer, or make a resolution that this year will be much better than last year. Sound familiar?

As we drove home from Arizona on Monday (well, hubby drove-I rode) I scrolled through these posts and stories on social media that made me want to do the exact opposite. Like all of you, I had some things happen this past year that weren’t amazing. I struggled, I cried (a lot), I busted my butt, I was hurt, I hurt others, and I wanted to give up. But I didn’t want to give power to any of that negativity by focusing on it or even throwing it out into the universe via social media. I believe that what we say about ourselves and our surroundings is very powerful because we tend to focus on what we say/think/do. If all we see when we look back on the past year is negativity, that will be our focus. So I decided to go against the grain and focus on the positive instead.

For those who didn’t see my million post story on IG, here’s just a quick recap of my 2018:

• Got back into theater and was on stage for 4 amazing shows (and cast in my 5th show which starts this month)!
• Traveled to Vegas (twice), Arizona, Utah, Grand Canyon, and oh so many trips to Disneyland!
• Visited The Magic Castle (twice).
• Grew stronger in my relationship with God.
• Celebrated special birthdays with special friends.
• Photographed some amazing clients (some in my new maternity gowns that are gorgeous!)
• Met some amazing new friends through the theater.
• Danced more than I’ve ever done before (thanks to crazy choreographers).
• Rode a horse for the first time.
• Shot the biggest gun I’ve ever seen (and liked it).
• Became an honorary princess for a day!
• Witnessed the miracle of life.

All in all, I’d say that was a pretty amazing year! Did I get everything done with my business that I’d hoped for? Did the scale move down as far as I wanted it to (or even at all)? Did I cure cancer or end world hunger? Well, no. But did I learn and grow? Did I laugh a lot? Did I handle things the best I could (or at least better than I would’ve done in years past)? Did I rely on God more than I ever have before in my life? You bet I did! And I plan on doing even more of it this year! As for resolutions? I don’t really believe in them. However, I do believe in setting goals in order to try to keep focused. But this year, my goals aren’t very detailed because I’m not in control of my future- God is. And when I turn it over to Him and focus on whatever it is He has set before me, that is so much better than making plans of my own.

Some of my goals this year are:

• To blog more (e’hem-I’d say I’ve got a strong start to this one).
• Increase awareness of my business (Especially the maternity/newborn niche).
• Focus on each day as it comes (nothing more, nothing less).
• Worry & stress less.
• Have a stronger Social Media Presence.
• Grow my confidence.
• Be kind to everyone (even crazy drivers).
• Let God lead me in decisions.
• Be the healthiest me (mind, body, spirit) I can be.

So, here’s to 2019…may you learn and grow, laugh and cry, struggle and succeed, and come out of it with more knowledge, love, and good memories than you went into it with!

Birth Becomes Her

By now, I’m pretty sure that most, if not all of you know just how much I love photographing all things baby! I have recently added birth photography to my specialty services and I am absolutely loving it! For those of you who didn’t know that birth photography was a thing; you’re not alone! A couple of years ago, when a client mentioned it to me as something I should check into, I almost gasped. Not only had I never experienced birth myself, I had never even thought that someone would want to have photos of such an intimate and vulnerable time. Boy was I wrong! There’s some amazing mothers out there who know exactly what a sacred experience birth is, and they want every moment of it captured.

My first birth was about 2 years ago-and then a few months after that I photographed my first home birth. These two very different experiences helped me to see that not only would I not faint while capturing a new life brought into this world; but that I would soon come to absolutely love being a part of the process! I recently partnered with a local birthing center and was so blessed to be able to be a part of this most recent birth. Mom has quite a beautiful story about her first birth experience and why she chose to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) in the most natural way. I’ll share my experience of that day, but first I want to share mom’s experience in her own words…

“When I pictured birth for the first time, I envisioned a quiet space with just Mitch and I as we brought a new soul into this world. He would be my only support, and I would use all of the breathing exercises, meditations, and positions that I had read about. Of course, this romantic vision of birth didn’t happen. My son had flipped head down, and the hospital we were at, like most hospitals, gasped at the idea of a breech birth. A cesarean became our only option for a safe and healthy baby and mama. While I was absolutely in love with this beautiful new human, I was heartbroken at the loss of my process.

As I began my journey with my second son, I still had an attachment to this natural birth. I longed for the process, for the ability to try, and to show that I, and my body, could do it. The vision changed quite a bit along the way. VBAC’s tend to come with a few more precautions, and contingencies. My main goal was to stay out of the hospital, but instead I managed to find so much more than I ever could have expected.

I found this collective of women supporting women, this village of women who truly love and care for others. I felt so supported, nurtured, and connected. I have been searching for the words to describe the feelings of this magical day, and they are still floating around me most days, but for now I can say that I am overflowing with gratitude and love for all of these women!”

Erika was an absolute rock star in the birthing room, as I’m sure she is in life as well! At one point, she threw her hand up in acknowledgment of being just that! Her 2-year old would come in to comfort and encourage her every so often, and dad was there with her the entire time. But the connection that I was enamored with was that between mom and her doula; Jasmine. I was able to capture a few of those intense moments-but if any of you are wondering why you would want a doula for your birth, you need to experience it for yourself. She was absolutely 100% there for mom-who took full advantage of that. I can’t even begin to fathom the pain that a mother experiences during natural child birth, but that pain seemed to be minimized by the concentrated efforts of this birth crew.

I was impressed by the entire birth experience that was provided during the 5 hours that I was included in. When I arrived, mom was in great hands and went from using the ball, the bed, the ground, the bathtub, then eventually back to the bed where she remained the rest of the process. And though she was at a birthing center in the care of a licensed midwife and several other qualified technicians, she seemed to have every comfort of home. The room was dark, and music was playing in the background. Shoes were removed before entering the room, and voices were muffled to give her the most calm experience she could have and concentrate on her main task: bringing life into the world. Complete and utter joy was seen on the faces of mom and dad when they welcomed their brand new baby boy into the world!

Words can’t describe the beauty experienced in witnessing the entire process from labor pains to the actual moment you hear that first cry; but my hope is that photos will help to better express that. When I delivered the photos of the birth to mom, she said that it brought her back to that day-and the emotions and tears welled up all over again. That is why I love what I do so much. I get to meet amazing people who allow me in to their personal moments in life in order to preserve those memories forever. It may not have been in God’s plan to give me children of my own, but I am so blessed to be able to be a part of so many new little lives in so many different ways! Thank you to each and every one of you who welcome me into your birthing rooms, homes, families, special events, and lives. You make my heart full.