Perfect Timing!

Wow, two posts within less than a week? I must have a lot of content built up in me…

It’s been a rough couple of days.

Who am I kidding? It’s been a rough 5 months (the first month doesn’t count as it was the honeymoon period haha)! I struggle most days to find something sweet or good or enjoyable about this parenting gig. I always used to think that as long as there’s more good stuff in the relationship (whatever relationship) it’s worth it. Parenting a child of trauma doesn’t follow the same rules. My need to control my surroundings is so futile at this point. I wish I would just remember that I cause the majority of my own stress by allowing her behaviors to affect me so deeply.

Last night and then leading into today, I pretty much felt like I was on the tipping point. You know, the point where you feel like you just can’t do it. You want to give up. You start doubting yourself-like way worse than normal days of doubt. You feel like a failure and you even speak on it. Last night I asked my husband if he thinks that maybe we weren’t cut out to be parents. He immediately answered, with complete confidence, “No!” The conversation after that was good. There was no resolution to it, as far as do I give up or not, but it was good.

Today, being part of the dreaded first week of school after Daylight Savings Time (if I didn’t dislike the climate so much I would move to Arizona in a heartbeat), was so rough from the minute I tried to wake her up. The struggles kept on throughout the morning and during school. Just one thing after another. This girl wants so badly to be an adult that she argues with pretty much everything I tell her. Last week, at my wits end with her arguing, I threw my hands up and said “How can I encourage you not to argue with me?” She thought about it for a minute and then, much to my surprise, she said “When I argue with you, you can just ignore me.”, HAHAHA- brilliant! I have tried it before and it doesn’t work to just stand there while she continues to argue-so I added in that I will ignore her and walk away. This seems to work about 30 seconds afterwards and it’s followed with “I’m sorry for arguing with you mommy.” But you know that true remorse means they will try not to do it again. My girl lacks the ability to be empathetic, so she doesn’t experience true remorse…at least not yet.

Well, today it didn’t really work. And it was getting to me. So I left not only her room but that entire side of the house and went to eat. When I sat down I felt defeated. Again, ready to give up. Not knowing what to do. I said a quick prayer-asking God to give me what I needed. Asking for help for my kiddo. Surrendering, in a way. Maybe 5 minutes after this prayer- probably not even that, she comes out and when I hear the door, I cringe. Then I hear this sweet little voice “Mommy, I’ve got good news and even gooder news.” My shoulders relaxed and I listened to her tell me how she solved the problem I had been trying to help her with and that she finished her work. If I’d had enough energy I would’ve started crying right then and there. Instead, I grabbed and hugged her and told her how proud of her I was.

You see, I couldn’t go on: not feeling the way I did. I couldn’t take one more negative thing right then and there. So God gave me a sweet little moment that completely turned my heart around. He gave me exactly what I needed. I kid you not, that little moment has carried me throughout this day. And it was in His perfect timing-not mine. So you see, whereas I may have thought that this parenting relationship needs to have more “good” than “bad” in order to make me believe that it’s worth it; that I’m doing the right thing, all I need is enough little moments like these to make the hard stuff feel very small. To see that this all is 100% worth it. No matter the end result or whether she gets to stay with us or not, we are giving her what she never had. And she is giving us something that could never be taken away…an experience that is changing us forever.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Where did the time go?

It’s been a year…I just can’t believe it! I mean, most days it feels like an eternity since the word Covid came into our world, but I still can’t believe that one year ago everything shut down and life changed as we knew it. Our world looks so much more different now…

For one, it’s hard to see who anyone is when out and about because of these darn masks. But the positive side to that is I can use it as an excuse when I run into someone and I forget their name. Don’t judge, you know you wish you thought of that!

Secondly, I sometimes forget how to drive due to the lack of places to go-which is such a bummer when you have a kiddo. But now that things are opening up a bit more, I have to say that I’m liking how they limit the number of people in some of these places. The first time I went to the doctor during Covid I was pleasantly surprised by no lines and no waiting to be seen. It was like a Christmas miracle in July! Hubby and I just went to Sea World on our anniversary and even though 1/2 the park is closed, we thoroughly enjoyed the lack of lines and crowds. Some people are complaining about Disneyland’s reopening model for never really being at 100% capacity, but I am so excited for it to open. There’s less than a handful of times that I’ve been to that park where it wasn’t so packed that it was hard to walk. I can’t wait to bring our little one there to experience it for her first time. Sure, it will be different, but how exciting that we won’t have to fight huge crowds.

Many of us have experienced fear and anxiety during this past year-some of us even depression. We, like many others, have experienced loss due to this pandemic. I’m still trying to navigate how to keep my head above water during this time, but I am taking steps to better my own mental health and stabilize during this time of our lives. Self care is so important especially now when kids are home all of the time for most of us.

Although a lot has happened in this past year, I guess I just didn’t feel led to blog about any of it. Things have been very difficult and who wants to share their story when times are hard! I sure didn’t. Less than a month after I had opened my new photography studio in Redlands, and less than a month before I had the grand opening scheduled, I had to close up shop. The landlord allowed me to keep my studio there while I couldn’t use it but after a few months she needed to have a full-paying client in there and I still didn’t feel right photographing babies (which was my main reason for a studio). So, all of my wonderful props, lights, and studio furniture have been in storage since last summer. At first I was sad about this, and even though I still don’t know what the future of my photography business will be, I actually believe that everything happens for a reason. You know the saying hindsight is 20/20? Well, even only being in the studio space actively for a month, I found so many things that were not ideal about the space. And even though at this point I really don’t think I will be re-opening a physical studio space, you just never know what God is going to do. I’m currently still not photographing newborns even though plenty of photographers in the industry are. In fact, I am limiting myself to outdoor only sessions every other weekend. My life has been completely turned upside down with being responsible for someone else 24/7 so my time is limited, and until the NICU allows me to return to volunteering with the babies, I just don’t feel that it would be right to put anyone’s newborn at risk for photos.

This week I made the choice to start blogging again, but just like pretty much everything else in our lives, it’s going to look a lot different now. My focus of my blogs was more related to photography, and although I still will occasionally include photography-related information in my blogs, I feel like my life is so much more complex now-it involves a new change that has affected my entire life. Well, not just mine, but my husband’s and anyone who is close to us. You may have noticed something different about this post already…the mention of a child. Those reading this blog who don’t know me, may not know that I have never given birth to or parented a child before-not in any official capacity (although I was a nanny for years). And yes, I’m a couple months away from turning 47 (did I just type that out for the world to read?), but I have been a first time mom for 6 months now of an 8-year old girl. In December of 2019, my husband and I decided to start the process to adopt a child (or a sibling set of 2). There’s so much to how this all happened and I really do think that I will want to write a book about this experience someday, but for now I figured I can blog about these experiences. I think at the very least, it will help me just to process things from a different perspective.

When we started this process we had no desire to become foster parents-the thought of losing a child in our care was not something we felt we could handle. But the way things are now in the system, it is much more likely to be able to adopt a child if you take them in as a foster first. Obviously there is a lot of risk in this. There are no guarantees. However, we did tell our agency that we did not want children placed with us that looked like they had a strong chance of reunification with their family. That being said, we met “E” before we were even finished with our certification process and we all knew she was meant to be with us. It’s been a very hard journey and we are barely only 6 months in. Although things completely changed with her situation within weeks of her placement here, and we still have months (if not longer) until we will find out if we even have a chance of adopting her, I have faith that what’s meant to be will happen and that no matter what that is, God will provide what’s needed for us to navigate it all.

So, that’s a bit about what I intend to do with this blog site moving forward. I have so many stories already just from this past year, so many tears, so much laughter and joy. I can’t even imagine what is to come. I plan to share many of those stories here with you. And because she is not adopted and still a part of the foster system, there are rules we must follow. The biggest of these that affects me and something I love doing, is not being able to share photos of this little cutie pie anywhere online. I am able to share photos that do not show her face, as they won’t identify her, but I refuse to slap an emoji over her face just to share it online. What’s the point? I have been creative in taking some beautiful images of her that don’t show her face, but for the most part, when I’m blogging about our journey with her, photos will be minimal if at all. Sure, this is something very difficult for a photographer-but rest assured, we have hundreds of photos already documenting her journey with us so far. I print these out and I’m currently making a scrapbook of her journey with us. This will either be called her adoption story, or a memory book for her to take with her wherever the judge sees fit for her to live. No matter how hard this is: the not knowing whether we will lose her or not; I am committed to providing this little girl with the best care and a loving home for as long as she is with us.

Thank you for coming back here to see what I have to say over a year after my last blog. And if you are interested in following us on our journey wherever it takes us, stay tuned. I can’t promise to blog every week but I do promise to be more regular at it than I ever was before. I have a lot of time where I need to stay within earshot of her while she does virtual school, but there’s not a whole lot I can do during that time besides write or edit. So I will see you soon, I’m fairly certain of that!